forget reality
reality is too ugly
i prefer the dream

this hideous delusion
in which i’m surrounded
my manufactured existence

i get by,
but only just
and seldom thrive

where is my dream
around the corner
maybe not

i round the corner daily
looking for it
waiting for it

it’s never there
tired of looking
tired of waiting

can i make my own dream?
i don’t know
but i’ll try

once I had a clue
a direction
a purpose
that’s all gone

now I’m just drifting
blowing in the breeze
nothing makes sense
my existence is muttled

one feeling to the next
emotional rollercoaster
a cliche, I know
but completely valid

no one is in the driver’s seat
no autopilot
no cruise control
on this runaway train

too serious
can’t get a grip
this reality is eating me
from the inside-out

no frame of mind
run for cover
but there is none
can’t save myself from myself

everywhere I look
the past is haunting
this has all happened before
and will happen again

wishing for change
waiting for change
something’s gotta change
so I can start again

finally

Why?

aching,
deep in the pit of my stomach
not sharp
so dull, in fact
so faint, it would almost be imperceptable
if it weren’t accompanied by those memories
those thoughts of you

oh why? why do I continue to miss you every minute of every damn day
please, get out of my head
you’re like an infection
giving me fever,
pain in my chest,
banging in my brain
I need some relief

It’s been two weeks and I’m still not cured
this can’t just be a simple illness
this must be a curse
maybe it’s terminal
that’d be okay
at least there’d be relief
I need some relief

I wish you could heal me,
but you can’t
you’re too far gone
I wish you knew this pain,
but I don’t
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone
this could be hell

I opened the door for you
Held the umbrella
Waited while you tried on shoes

I guess that wasn’t enough

I didn’t yell
Never cursed your name
and remembered your birthday

Do you remember that?

I took you to places
museums and restaraunts
cafes and long walks

I only wanted to please you

I teased you sometimes
pointed out your flaws
and preyed on your naivety

Always in jest

You made me laugh
and I you
We got crazy a bit

Good times

I’m still the same
Still a nice guy
Just feeling a bit weary

And you’re gone

there I go again
lending it, sharing it, giving it away
one piece at a time

soon there will be nothing left
a hollow shell
emptiness, void

wish it would come come back
even just a little
a tiny fragment

maybe I could give it to myself
a remnant of what I had
a reminder of what I’ve lost

Well, I’m not entirely sure why (but I can definitely speculate)… she changed her Facebook profile image. It’s not that I care (too much), it’s more the fact that I had to keep seeing it, until I just removed her posts from my home page (I hadn’t realized that you could do that). I didn’t want to unfriend her… that just seemed a bit too harsh… well, speaking of harsh, here’s my commentary on her new photo:

“looks like a blonde hooker in a tiara.”

(in response to her latest Facebook profile picture, referring to her stupid halloween costume)

I see you there, now, hiding around the corner
I was too busy enjoying life while you crept up
Here you come, with all of your holiday cheer and heart-warming sentiment
I won’t be participating
I’ll put on my fake plastic smile and I’ll share tidings
I’ll weather your weather, like I always do
and I’ll sit
and I’ll wait
for warmer days.

So, now… I’m seriously kinda sitting on a huge pile of wtf.

I have little recourse…

we share most of the same friends. (I can’t talk about her on any other social media)

I wouldn’t blame any one of them for hooking up with her (but I’d definitely hate them for it).

For now, I’m just trying my best to get over her. I know that there’s nothing I can say or do that will change her mind (I can see it, believe me)… so, now my only recourse is poetry and art… as futile as it sounds… but that’s what I do, and it will keep me busy for the moment.

Well, it took me the longest time to get over her, but eventually, it happened.

Time took care of it for me, I was just forced to move on with my life and eventually she became a distant memory.

This brings us up to the most recent subject of my obsession. I thought I was ready, I was sure I was ready. (I was certain I was ready). I got involved with this girl… the facts surrounding our involvement were maybe a bit sketchy.

First, I’m 8 years older that this girl… of course, she seemed far more mature than I had imagined (she really was, smart, dignified, refined, cultured). We had met on several occasions, but she must have been so unmemorable that I had forgotten every one of our previous encounters, except for the most recent one… at which I was meeting a buddy and I was already COMPLETELY shit-face hammered (I guess I made her laugh). (Maybe that should’ve been a sign).

After our first meeting (the one first I remember) I never really found her to be anything too spectacular. In fact, I remember remarking to a friend, that I could see that she might be interested, but I wasn’t, at all.

A few weeks passed (actually almost a month), I won’t say she pestered me, because it wasn’t that at all. She just seemed really dedicated to hang out. I was flattered. Hell, I hadn’t met any girl that was even potentially interesting since I had felt “healed” from the last one.

So, we dated, we got involved, made it official, and I began to fall again… I can’t say I was all the way there, but damn I was close, so close. Then, in a flash, it was all over.

She asked me to go with her for a walk on a cold October day, so I went over. We walked around for about an hour, she was quiet, I tried to keep conversing, but she wouldn’t reciprocate. When we got back to her place and I was about to leave, she laid it on me like a ton of bricks, fuck. So, yeah, she had been enthralled with me from the beginning (so she said), but something had changed. She couldn’t explain it, she just didn’t want me anymore.

Man, I really thought I was ready, but I’m (now) feeling like that shit has just compounded the loss I had (almost?) forgotten from long ago. Fuck.

…read on, I’ll give you a little more about how/what I’m doing…

I have to start from before the beginning… where all stories should begin.

I’ve had many girlfriends in the past and they’ve all played rather significant roles in the shaping of my life. Our lives are mostly the confluence of everything we’ve experienced in the past (or exactly that if you subscribe to existentialism).

Despite the multitude of my relationships, I’ve only truly been in love once (at least once that I was certain). I was in a relationship from 2005 to 2010, and somewhere in that span, I fell in love… WE fell in love. THAT was the most exciting, turbulent, romantic relationship I’d ever been in before. Spanning two states, cohabitation,  half a decade, and a tirelessly drawn-out bout of long-distance turmoil, the relationship finally ended in February 2010. After all of the emotional instability that comes with a long-distance relationship (in hindsight) the breakup was really a blessing. We wanted different things from life and it was probably best (I can see that now).

It’s taken me nearly 2 years to see, but it was an agonizing time. Self-abuse, self-doubt, insecurity, all of that and then some. Damn.

…but that’s not the end of the beginning…